5 Things to Say--and 5 NOT to Say--to your Friend with Cancer
Hi, All. I'm Lori Hope, and I'll be on "The Today Show" this Monday, June 8, sharing advice about how to support people with cancer, based on the research I conducted for my book, Help Me Live: 20 Things People with Cancer Want You to Know, the myriad responses of my readers, and my personal experience as a cancer survivor.Thought I'd share a few tips with you here. For more info, check out my website, blog, or book. And please let me know if you have other tips to share. Thanks!
What NOT to say to your friend with cancer
- "You poor thing, I feel so sorry for you." People with cancer need compassion, not pity. Pity implies hierarchy, while compassion puts you on the same level.
- "What's your prognosis?" Prognosis is a medical term and it makes most people with cancer think about how long they might survive. Even if they're positive thinkers, they may not want to think about how long doctors indicate they're going to live.
- "Let me know if there's anything I can do to help." This might seem like a helpful statement. But according to my research, that statement is one of the least helpful. When people have cancer they may feel so overwhelmed that they can't focus on what they need. Offer something specific -- run an errand, give a foot rub, weed their garden.
- "My aunt [or anyone] died of breast cancer." Tell positive stories, never scary stories, about other people who have had cancer. More than anything, people with cancer need hope, and horror stories dash hope.
- "At least they caught it early [or "at least" anything]." Your friend needs to know you're acknowledging his pain and taking it seriously. If you say, "At least you don't have to go through chemo..." or something similar, you minimize what he's going through. He may discover what's good about his situation himself, but doesn't want to hear it from you.
What TO say to your friend with cancer
Lori Hope
Author • Speaker • Editor
www.LoriHope.com
http://LoriHope.com/Blog
Follow Lori Hope on Twitter
- "I'm so sorry this is happening. It could happen to any of us. Life is so unfair sometimes." This takes away any possible blame or shame, and puts you on the same level.
- "I don't know what to say, and I'm sorry if I say something wrong. Just know how much I care about you." This defuses tension for both of you, and enables you to communicate what really matters: that you care. Whatever you do, don't stay away from your friend because you're uncomfortable.
- "I am here for you, anytime, anywhere." More than anything, people with cancer need to know you're there for them. But beware: don't say this unless you can honor the commitment! People with cancer may be more vulnerable, and what used to irritate like a scratch may sting intensely.
- "I'm here to listen but if you don't feel like talking, I understand." This statement gives control to your friend, shows your concern, and keeps the door of communication open.
- Nothing. Nada. Zip. As the
Dalai Lama says, "Sometimes silence is the best answer." What's most
important is that you listen well, without judging or offering advice.
Lori Hope
Author • Speaker • Editor
www.LoriHope.com
http://LoriHope.com/Blog
Follow Lori Hope on Twitter
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Thanks Lori it was a great piece. The "did you smoke question" should never be asked if you have been diagnosed with lung cancer. That question is insensitive and it is not the time to make a person feel worse than they already do.
Thanks again
Sarah
Thanks so much, Sarah!
Always hope,
Lori
Lori,
This was also wonderful advice for being supportive to anyone who's dealing with bereavement. After the sudden death of my partner, I found the friends who helped the most were those who were willing to just be with me and listen. They took the initiative to figure out how they could help and did so, in large and small ways. And they did't minimize my grief with any "At least" kind of statements: i.e., "At least he didn't suffer," or "At least you had some good years together."
Carolyn, thank you for pointing that out, and I'm so glad your friends were so sensitive and helpful and knew either by experience or intuitively not to minimize your grief. I just posted something about John Atkinson's death - http://healthbeat.yourtotalhealth.com/2009/06/no-one-deserves-lung-cancer.html - , and I hope that his family receives the same compassionate support that you did.
Lori
Hi Lori, Hope you dont mind I placed this info as a bulletin on my 'myspace' page (I'm a People Person) ...will follow you on twitter..thanks and have a blessed day. Ann
Ann, I'd be honored if you'd put this on your myspace page. Thank you, and I'll follow you on Twitter as well! And if you like this blog post, you'll love this one as well: http://everythingchangesbook.com/
Always hope,
Lori
http://www.lorihope.com
thank you! I have a friend waiting for a kidney transplant and is on nightly dialysis. I don't always know what to say when I see them several times a month.